H.G. Farmswatter
At a Glance
Description
A charismatic, balding gentleman with slicked-back hair and a long moustache, the ends twirled up. Wears an emerald green paisley suit with a waistcoat. Holds a crowd enraptured — speaks at such length and volume that it is impossible to get a question in. Runs the most active stall in the market from a large wooden waggon — essentially a room on wheels.
Notes
- Sells "Farmswatter's Miracle Cure" — a tonic he claims cures what ails you, helps if you are tired or angry, and works on wrinkles. "It does whatever you want it to do."
- Prices swing wildly: as high as $10–$50, as low as $1 or two cents. Maude bought it for two cents last week; this week it costs her ten dollars, because she knows it works and "the formula has been improved"
- Only one sip a day is needed; he promises buyers will want more and must return to the market next week to restock — Doctor Webb reads this as a classic addiction scam (first taste free, then raise the price on the hooked)
- His waggon is a workshop: glass vials, distilling machinery, four small pulsating unpotted cacti, a chainlinked set of doors, and a curtain hiding further rooms. Behind the curtain sits an eight-foot cactus with a heart-like flower in a vat of offal and blood
- The waggon is hitched to two horses; he intends to leave Hole as soon as the market ends and move to another town. Ms March sabotaged the axle to strand him
- Diagnosed Ms March (faking drunkenness) with "a case of the melancholy exacerbated by the drink" and the "woman's disease," then asked if she wanted to be a test subject — and locked her inside the waggon
- Senses when people are trying to interfere with his work; tried to coax Cuthbert to the back of the waggon with a free sample
Session Appearances
| Session | What Happened |
|---|---|
| Session 8 | Pitched his Miracle Cure to the market crowd; sold a sample to Alfie and a bottle to Ms March; deflected Doctor Webb's questions with non-stop patter; caught Ms March tampering with his waggon and locked her inside as a "test subject"; offered Cuthbert a free sample at the back of the waggon |
Quotes
"It does whatever you want it to do. Including that thing you said about the penis."
— Session 8, to Cuthbert
"Hey, ma'am, would you like to be cured?"
— Session 8, to Ms March, inside the waggon